Done

Sorry, had to remove the last couple posts... I am done fighting...

DaDa (The Child)

"To forgive is divine...
I'm only human."

So I ask you now in the dark all alone
Did I ever rate a thought?
Or did you close your eyes and have a pleasant life
While another man taught

Me how to do the things I know now
Dry the tears I cried
Watch my bones break and grow
As the child within me died

So now you come back asking for pardon
Some twenty-five years gone
But as I look back over my shoulder for you
I see nothing so I move on...
So that's the way it's been no dada for me
But now I have a son
And as I tuck him in and kiss him goodnight
I know I'll be the one

To teach him all the things he knows now
Dry the tears he cries
Watch his bones become strong and grow
And keep the child within him alive...

"And so it ends..."

A.S.

Love the Darkness

Why do I cry for you
When I know its just me wanting you
It seems my love burns out so fast
I push too hard and go too fast
I live for today but today
Goes my so quickly and I still follow
I put me heart on the line
And the rug gets pulled out every time
Its not as easy as it seems
To rebuild every time you lose your dreams

I stand up every day
And fall down every other
Every third day I get pushed
And when it seems life's at its worst
She puts her hand out and I stand up again
Why do I stand up why can't I stay down
Is it just another pointless failure
Go down the line and see it happens every time
Now its seems I just can't save her
But can I save myself again
One more time off the deep end
Maybe I'll drown and love the darkness
I know the darkness will love me
It always has...

-A.S.-

Its funny... This was written at 6:10pm on October 12,1995 and in ten years I haven't changed what I know or think about it at all...
The difference between the first half and second half is night/day and no matter how many times I read through it or in what context I take it, the last line always haunts me...

She Kills Me

She only says hello to me
When she wants my time
If she's got another call on hold
And it isn't worth her dime
Stays up late to call me up
But sleeps whenever I call
Lifts me up just to bring me down
And says sorry for the fall
But that's all
It's over you see
You know she kills me

Kicks me out of bed at night
And lets the devil take his due
Makes me fall flat on my face
And says "Honey, that's so you"
Cools me down when I'm gettin hot
And then hits me when I'm cool
Making me out to be the queens court jester
Lining up to be her fool
MAN I THOUGHT KINGS RULE?!?
Well how bad could it be
You know she kills me

Chest bared staggerin come on baby
Why don't you give me your best shot
Maybe its cool and pigs can fly
But if they can't it's not
Been playing your game for too long now
To give a damn about the score
So be happy with your battle babe
You're gonna lose the war
It doesn't matter you see
I've got the key
You know she kills me...

-A.S.-


Writing & performing this was always fun and very silly... I always had fun but was RARELY silly on stage so this is unique...

A Far Away Place Called Home

Drive into another night
I know she'll be waiting
With open arms to welcome me
Back to the dawn
By candlelight I know she's there
My heart always patient
She knows she means much more to me
Than I'll ever tell
Have I been wandering forever
Always so alone
Please leave a light on for me
I'll be there as soon as I know
Until then I'll keep on searching
For the love I was shown
In a far away place called home...

Say another little prayer
Asking for guidance
I know I'll need a light to see
To find my way
So cold inside this weary night
But the warmth so forgiving
The only thing that's left for me
I'll find you someday
Have I been waiting for this moment
Since time was unknown
Empty hands always reaching
For a love of my own
Now have I finally found it
Or am I still on the road
To a far away place called home...

-A.S.-

Star Pattern

It's like looking through broken glass
With blood dripping off your arms
And seeing a serenity
That you know can never be yours
And in that dream you call out a name
That you never recognize
And think to yourself how strange it is
That you cover up your lives
The one too many people see each day
And you know cannot be true
Then the one you dream about every night
And know cannot be you
I've come to see and came to know
As the blood dripped off my arms
There are very few precious things in this life
And its lies are all its charms...

-A.S.-

Life, Love, Sex, Death

Picture this world through a fishbowl
Can that distorted view be yours?
Distortion reaches everywhere
If that is all you look for.
Everyone loves everyone dies
Not wonderful in the same sentence
But truth just the same...
So do you base your life on death?
Make your journey in violence and darkness
And reach your destination already dead?
Or can you reach for the stars in love
While those on the other side of the fence
Throw their dog shit in your backyard...
I try to love and live this life
In love with the world and all she bears
But if all life is love and life and sex and death and life and love
Why does everyone ask what comes after death
And no one asks what comes before life?

-A.S.-

Smoking

So...
I haven't had a cigarette in three days... I smoked my last on Saturday March 5th... My docs told me I had about five years to live if I didn't change some things... Personally I don't give a shit... I'd rather enjoy myself and check out when its time... Then I look at my kids... Had a few conversations with people I know who lost their parents when they were young and decided I couldn't do that to them... No more fun for me... Oh the sacrifices we must make...

The Meaning of Life

It sometimes seems almost comical... To think of what some of these words meant to me so long ago and what they mean to me now... Two TOTALLY different things...
I wouldn't change a thing now...
I wouldn't change how they treated me or how I treated them or how my mother treated me or how I treated her or how my brother treated me or how I treated him or (most of all) how my father treated me...
Change anything about my life and I might not be where I am today... Change anything in the slightest and I might not have my son or my daughter or my wife... Knowing what I know now, I don't think I could bear that...
So deal me some pain and wind me up with bad memories...
Like the Cleric in Equilibrium...
I pay it gladly...

Tess Partied All Night Long

I used to see things clearly
Now I see things hazy
But I can still see her eyes

On every person walking by
Even in my sleep at night
She's in dreams I never knew I had

It follows me 'round like a ghost in chains
Looking for redemption
Come love me one more time
And I'll show you rejection...

Let's go see a movie
We'll go back to my place and have a drink
Tess partied all night long
And when I took Pat in my arms
I thought I saw love clearly
But on the day she said goodbye
Her tears fell close to mine
Hers in relief, mine in pain...

It follows me 'round like a ghost in chains
Searching for redemption
Come on and love me one more time
And I'll show you rejection

I put my heart in her hands
She made a fist
And I haven't seen it since...

-AS-